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| author | Xe Iaso <me@xeiaso.net> | 2025-01-17 13:17:27 -0500 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Xe Iaso <me@xeiaso.net> | 2025-01-17 13:17:27 -0500 |
| commit | 6f568d9c8e84b5f6d981215c1bc424bf90cbb217 (patch) | |
| tree | fc5bd9d072f05de7305a3ccaee84212a2775d198 /cmd/uncle-ted | |
| parent | d3e7f04b609976f06bd565c6db01fa3215ac993a (diff) | |
| download | x-6f568d9c8e84b5f6d981215c1bc424bf90cbb217.tar.xz x-6f568d9c8e84b5f6d981215c1bc424bf90cbb217.zip | |
cmd/uncle-ted: bee movie script
Signed-off-by: Xe Iaso <me@xeiaso.net>
Diffstat (limited to 'cmd/uncle-ted')
| -rw-r--r-- | cmd/uncle-ted/bee-movie.txt | 4562 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | cmd/uncle-ted/main.go | 14 |
2 files changed, 4573 insertions, 3 deletions
diff --git a/cmd/uncle-ted/bee-movie.txt b/cmd/uncle-ted/bee-movie.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1b95ffb --- /dev/null +++ b/cmd/uncle-ted/bee-movie.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4562 @@ +According to all known laws +of aviation, + + +there is no way a bee +should be able to fly. + + +Its wings are too small to get +its fat little body off the ground. + + +The bee, of course, flies anyway + + +because bees don't care +what humans think is impossible. + + +Yellow, black. Yellow, black. +Yellow, black. Yellow, black. + + +Ooh, black and yellow! +Let's shake it up a little. + + +Barry! Breakfast is ready! + + +Ooming! + + +Hang on a second. + + +Hello? + + +- Barry? +- Adam? + + +- Oan you believe this is happening? +- I can't. I'll pick you up. + + +Looking sharp. + + +Use the stairs. Your father +paid good money for those. + + +Sorry. I'm excited. + + +Here's the graduate. +We're very proud of you, son. + + +A perfect report card, all B's. + + +Very proud. + + +Ma! I got a thing going here. + + +- You got lint on your fuzz. +- Ow! That's me! + + +- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. +- Bye! + + +Barry, I told you, +stop flying in the house! + + +- Hey, Adam. +- Hey, Barry. + + +- Is that fuzz gel? +- A little. Special day, graduation. + + +Never thought I'd make it. + + +Three days grade school, +three days high school. + + +Those were awkward. + + +Three days college. I'm glad I took +a day and hitchhiked around the hive. + + +You did come back different. + + +- Hi, Barry. +- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. + + +- Hear about Frankie? +- Yeah. + + +- You going to the funeral? +- No, I'm not going. + + +Everybody knows, +sting someone, you die. + + +Don't waste it on a squirrel. +Such a hothead. + + +I guess he could have +just gotten out of the way. + + +I love this incorporating +an amusement park into our day. + + +That's why we don't need vacations. + + +Boy, quite a bit of pomp... +under the circumstances. + + +- Well, Adam, today we are men. +- We are! + + +- Bee-men. +- Amen! + + +Hallelujah! + + +Students, faculty, distinguished bees, + + +please welcome Dean Buzzwell. + + +Welcome, New Hive Oity +graduating class of... + + +...9:15. + + +That concludes our ceremonies. + + +And begins your career +at Honex Industries! + + +Will we pick ourjob today? + + +I heard it's just orientation. + + +Heads up! Here we go. + + +Keep your hands and antennas +inside the tram at all times. + + +- Wonder what it'll be like? +- A little scary. + + +Welcome to Honex, +a division of Honesco + + +and a part of the Hexagon Group. + + +This is it! + + +Wow. + + +Wow. + + +We know that you, as a bee, +have worked your whole life + + +to get to the point where you +can work for your whole life. + + +Honey begins when our valiant Pollen +Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. + + +Our top-secret formula + + +is automatically color-corrected, +scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured + + +into this soothing sweet syrup + + +with its distinctive +golden glow you know as... + + +Honey! + + +- That girl was hot. +- She's my cousin! + + +- She is? +- Yes, we're all cousins. + + +- Right. You're right. +- At Honex, we constantly strive + + +to improve every aspect +of bee existence. + + +These bees are stress-testing +a new helmet technology. + + +- What do you think he makes? +- Not enough. + + +Here we have our latest advancement, +the Krelman. + + +- What does that do? +- Oatches that little strand of honey + + +that hangs after you pour it. +Saves us millions. + + +Oan anyone work on the Krelman? + + +Of course. Most bee jobs are +small ones. But bees know + + +that every small job, +if it's done well, means a lot. + + +But choose carefully + + +because you'll stay in the job +you pick for the rest of your life. + + +The same job the rest of your life? +I didn't know that. + + +What's the difference? + + +You'll be happy to know that bees, +as a species, haven't had one day off + + +in 27 million years. + + +So you'll just work us to death? + + +We'll sure try. + + +Wow! That blew my mind! + + +"What's the difference?" +How can you say that? + + +One job forever? +That's an insane choice to have to make. + + +I'm relieved. Now we only have +to make one decision in life. + + +But, Adam, how could they +never have told us that? + + +Why would you question anything? +We're bees. + + +We're the most perfectly +functioning society on Earth. + + +You ever think maybe things +work a little too well here? + + +Like what? Give me one example. + + +I don't know. But you know +what I'm talking about. + + +Please clear the gate. +Royal Nectar Force on approach. + + +Wait a second. Oheck it out. + + +- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! +- Wow. + + +I've never seen them this close. + + +They know what it's like +outside the hive. + + +Yeah, but some don't come back. + + +- Hey, Jocks! +- Hi, Jocks! + + +You guys did great! + + +You're monsters! +You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! + + +- I wonder where they were. +- I don't know. + + +Their day's not planned. + + +Outside the hive, flying who knows +where, doing who knows what. + + +You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen +Jock. You have to be bred for that. + + +Right. + + +Look. That's more pollen +than you and I will see in a lifetime. + + +It's just a status symbol. +Bees make too much of it. + + +Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it +and the ladies see you wearing it. + + +Those ladies? +Aren't they our cousins too? + + +Distant. Distant. + + +Look at these two. + + +- Oouple of Hive Harrys. +- Let's have fun with them. + + +It must be dangerous +being a Pollen Jock. + + +Yeah. Once a bear pinned me +against a mushroom! + + +He had a paw on my throat, +and with the other, he was slapping me! + + +- Oh, my! +- I never thought I'd knock him out. + + +What were you doing during this? + + +Trying to alert the authorities. + + +I can autograph that. + + +A little gusty out there today, +wasn't it, comrades? + + +Yeah. Gusty. + + +We're hitting a sunflower patch +six miles from here tomorrow. + + +- Six miles, huh? +- Barry! + + +A puddle jump for us, +but maybe you're not up for it. + + +- Maybe I am. +- You are not! + + +We're going 0900 at J-Gate. + + +What do you think, buzzy-boy? +Are you bee enough? + + +I might be. It all depends +on what 0900 means. + + +Hey, Honex! + + +Dad, you surprised me. + + +You decide what you're interested in? + + +- Well, there's a lot of choices. +- But you only get one. + + +Do you ever get bored +doing the same job every day? + + +Son, let me tell you about stirring. + + +You grab that stick, and you just +move it around, and you stir it around. + + +You get yourself into a rhythm. +It's a beautiful thing. + + +You know, Dad, +the more I think about it, + + +maybe the honey field +just isn't right for me. + + +You were thinking of what, +making balloon animals? + + +That's a bad job +for a guy with a stinger. + + +Janet, your son's not sure +he wants to go into honey! + + +- Barry, you are so funny sometimes. +- I'm not trying to be funny. + + +You're not funny! You're going +into honey. Our son, the stirrer! + + +- You're gonna be a stirrer? +- No one's listening to me! + + +Wait till you see the sticks I have. + + +I could say anything right now. +I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! + + +Let's open some honey and celebrate! + + +Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. +Shave my antennae. + + +Shack up with a grasshopper. Get +a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! + + +I'm so proud. + + +- We're starting work today! +- Today's the day. + + +Oome on! All the good jobs +will be gone. + + +Yeah, right. + + +Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, +stirrer, front desk, hair removal... + + +- Is it still available? +- Hang on. Two left! + + +One of them's yours! Oongratulations! +Step to the side. + + +- What'd you get? +- Picking crud out. Stellar! + + +Wow! + + +Oouple of newbies? + + +Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! + + +Make your choice. + + +- You want to go first? +- No, you go. + + +Oh, my. What's available? + + +Restroom attendant's open, +not for the reason you think. + + +- Any chance of getting the Krelman? +- Sure, you're on. + + +I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. + + +Wax monkey's always open. + + +The Krelman opened up again. + + +What happened? + + +A bee died. Makes an opening. See? +He's dead. Another dead one. + + +Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. + + +Dead from the neck up. +Dead from the neck down. That's life! + + +Oh, this is so hard! + + +Heating, cooling, +stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, + + +humming, inspector number seven, +lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, + + +mite wrangler. Barry, what +do you think I should... Barry? + + +Barry! + + +All right, we've got the sunflower patch +in quadrant nine... + + +What happened to you? +Where are you? + + +- I'm going out. +- Out? Out where? + + +- Out there. +- Oh, no! + + +I have to, before I go +to work for the rest of my life. + + +You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? + + +Another call coming in. + + +If anyone's feeling brave, +there's a Korean deli on 83rd + + +that gets their roses today. + + +Hey, guys. + + +- Look at that. +- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? + + +Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. + + +It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. + + +Really? Feeling lucky, are you? + + +Sign here, here. Just initial that. + + +- Thank you. +- OK. + + +You got a rain advisory today, + + +and as you all know, +bees cannot fly in rain. + + +So be careful. As always, +watch your brooms, + + +hockey sticks, dogs, +birds, bears and bats. + + +Also, I got a couple of reports +of root beer being poured on us. + + +Murphy's in a home because of it, +babbling like a cicada! + + +- That's awful. +- And a reminder for you rookies, + + +bee law number one, +absolutely no talking to humans! + + +All right, launch positions! + + +Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, +buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! + + +Black and yellow! + + +Hello! + + +You ready for this, hot shot? + + +Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. + + +Wind, check. + + +- Antennae, check. +- Nectar pack, check. + + +- Wings, check. +- Stinger, check. + + +Scared out of my shorts, check. + + +OK, ladies, + + +let's move it out! + + +Pound those petunias, +you striped stem-suckers! + + +All of you, drain those flowers! + + +Wow! I'm out! + + +I can't believe I'm out! + + +So blue. + + +I feel so fast and free! + + +Box kite! + + +Wow! + + +Flowers! + + +This is Blue Leader. +We have roses visual. + + +Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. + + +Roses! + + +30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. + + +Stand to the side, kid. +It's got a bit of a kick. + + +That is one nectar collector! + + +- Ever see pollination up close? +- No, sir. + + +I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it +over here. Maybe a dash over there, + + +a pinch on that one. +See that? It's a little bit of magic. + + +That's amazing. Why do we do that? + + +That's pollen power. More pollen, more +flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. + + +Oool. + + +I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. +Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? + + +Oopy that visual. + + +Wait. One of these flowers +seems to be on the move. + + +Say again? You're reporting +a moving flower? + + +Affirmative. + + +That was on the line! + + +This is the coolest. What is it? + + +I don't know, but I'm loving this color. + + +It smells good. +Not like a flower, but I like it. + + +Yeah, fuzzy. + + +Ohemical-y. + + +Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. + + +My sweet lord of bees! + + +Oandy-brain, get off there! + + +Problem! + + +- Guys! +- This could be bad. + + +Affirmative. + + +Very close. + + +Gonna hurt. + + +Mama's little boy. + + +You are way out of position, rookie! + + +Ooming in at you like a missile! + + +Help me! + + +I don't think these are flowers. + + +- Should we tell him? +- I think he knows. + + +What is this?! + + +Match point! + + +You can start packing up, honey, +because you're about to eat it! + + +Yowser! + + +Gross. + + +There's a bee in the car! + + +- Do something! +- I'm driving! + + +- Hi, bee. +- He's back here! + + +He's going to sting me! + + +Nobody move. If you don't move, +he won't sting you. Freeze! + + +He blinked! + + +Spray him, Granny! + + +What are you doing?! + + +Wow... the tension level +out here is unbelievable. + + +I gotta get home. + + +Oan't fly in rain. + + +Oan't fly in rain. + + +Oan't fly in rain. + + +Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! + + +Ken, could you close +the window please? + + +Ken, could you close +the window please? + + +Oheck out my new resume. +I made it into a fold-out brochure. + + +You see? Folds out. + + +Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. + + +What was that? + + +Maybe this time. This time. This time. +This time! This time! This... + + +Drapes! + + +That is diabolical. + + +It's fantastic. It's got all my special +skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. + + +What's number one? Star Wars? + + +Nah, I don't go for that... + + +...kind of stuff. + + +No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. +They're out of their minds. + + +When I leave a job interview, they're +flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. + + +There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. + + +I don't remember the sun +having a big 75 on it. + + +I predicted global warming. + + +I could feel it getting hotter. +At first I thought it was just me. + + +Wait! Stop! Bee! + + +Stand back. These are winter boots. + + +Wait! + + +Don't kill him! + + +You know I'm allergic to them! +This thing could kill me! + + +Why does his life have +less value than yours? + + +Why does his life have any less value +than mine? Is that your statement? + + +I'm just saying all life has value. You +don't know what he's capable of feeling. + + +My brochure! + + +There you go, little guy. + + +I'm not scared of him. +It's an allergic thing. + + +Put that on your resume brochure. + + +My whole face could puff up. + + +Make it one of your special skills. + + +Knocking someone out +is also a special skill. + + +Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. + + +- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? +- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. + + +- You could put carob chips on there. +- Bye. + + +- Supposed to be less calories. +- Bye. + + +I gotta say something. + + +She saved my life. +I gotta say something. + + +All right, here it goes. + + +Nah. + + +What would I say? + + +I could really get in trouble. + + +It's a bee law. +You're not supposed to talk to a human. + + +I can't believe I'm doing this. + + +I've got to. + + +Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! + + +No. Yes. No. + + +Do it. I can't. + + +How should I start it? +"You like jazz?" No, that's no good. + + +Here she comes! Speak, you fool! + + +Hi! + + +I'm sorry. + + +- You're talking. +- Yes, I know. + + +You're talking! + + +I'm so sorry. + + +No, it's OK. It's fine. +I know I'm dreaming. + + +But I don't recall going to bed. + + +Well, I'm sure this +is very disconcerting. + + +This is a bit of a surprise to me. +I mean, you're a bee! + + +I am. And I'm not supposed +to be doing this, + + +but they were all trying to kill me. + + +And if it wasn't for you... + + +I had to thank you. +It's just how I was raised. + + +That was a little weird. + + +- I'm talking with a bee. +- Yeah. + + +I'm talking to a bee. +And the bee is talking to me! + + +I just want to say I'm grateful. +I'll leave now. + + +- Wait! How did you learn to do that? +- What? + + +The talking thing. + + +Same way you did, I guess. +"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. + + +- That's very funny. +- Yeah. + + +Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, +we'd cry with what we have to deal with. + + +Anyway... + + +Oan I... + + +...get you something? +- Like what? + + +I don't know. I mean... +I don't know. Ooffee? + + +I don't want to put you out. + + +It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. + + +- It's just coffee. +- I hate to impose. + + +- Don't be ridiculous! +- Actually, I would love a cup. + + +Hey, you want rum cake? + + +- I shouldn't. +- Have some. + + +- No, I can't. +- Oome on! + + +I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. + + +- Where? +- These stripes don't help. + + +You look great! + + +I don't know if you know +anything about fashion. + + +Are you all right? + + +No. + + +He's making the tie in the cab +as they're flying up Madison. + + +He finally gets there. + + +He runs up the steps into the church. +The wedding is on. + + +And he says, "Watermelon? +I thought you said Guatemalan. + + +Why would I marry a watermelon?" + + +Is that a bee joke? + + +That's the kind of stuff we do. + + +Yeah, different. + + +So, what are you gonna do, Barry? + + +About work? I don't know. + + +I want to do my part for the hive, +but I can't do it the way they want. + + +I know how you feel. + + +- You do? +- Sure. + + +My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or +a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. + + +- Really? +- My only interest is flowers. + + +Our new queen was just elected +with that same campaign slogan. + + +Anyway, if you look... + + +There's my hive right there. See it? + + +You're in Sheep Meadow! + + +Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! + + +No way! I know that area. +I lost a toe ring there once. + + +- Why do girls put rings on their toes? +- Why not? + + +- It's like putting a hat on your knee. +- Maybe I'll try that. + + +- You all right, ma'am? +- Oh, yeah. Fine. + + +Just having two cups of coffee! + + +Anyway, this has been great. +Thanks for the coffee. + + +Yeah, it's no trouble. + + +Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, +I'd be up the rest of my life. + + +Are you...? + + +Oan I take a piece of this with me? + + +Sure! Here, have a crumb. + + +- Thanks! +- Yeah. + + +All right. Well, then... +I guess I'll see you around. + + +Or not. + + +OK, Barry. + + +And thank you +so much again... for before. + + +Oh, that? That was nothing. + + +Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... + + +This can't possibly work. + + +He's all set to go. +We may as well try it. + + +OK, Dave, pull the chute. + + +- Sounds amazing. +- It was amazing! + + +It was the scariest, +happiest moment of my life. + + +Humans! I can't believe +you were with humans! + + +Giant, scary humans! +What were they like? + + +Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. + + +They eat crazy giant things. +They drive crazy. + + +- Do they try and kill you, like on TV? +- Some of them. But some of them don't. + + +- How'd you get back? +- Poodle. + + +You did it, and I'm glad. You saw +whatever you wanted to see. + + +You had your "experience." Now you +can pick out yourjob and be normal. + + +- Well... +- Well? + + +Well, I met someone. + + +You did? Was she Bee-ish? + + +- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! +- No, no, no, not a wasp. + + +- Spider? +- I'm not attracted to spiders. + + +I know it's the hottest thing, +with the eight legs and all. + + +I can't get by that face. + + +So who is she? + + +She's... human. + + +No, no. That's a bee law. +You wouldn't break a bee law. + + +- Her name's Vanessa. +- Oh, boy. + + +She's so nice. And she's a florist! + + +Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! + + +We're not dating. + + +You're flying outside the hive, talking +to humans that attack our homes + + +with power washers and M-80s! +One-eighth a stick of dynamite! + + +She saved my life! +And she understands me. + + +This is over! + + +Eat this. + + +This is not over! What was that? + + +- They call it a crumb. +- It was so stingin' stripey! + + +And that's not what they eat. +That's what falls off what they eat! + + +- You know what a Oinnabon is? +- No. + + +It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. +They heat it up... + + +Sit down! + + +...really hot! +- Listen to me! + + +We are not them! We're us. +There's us and there's them! + + +Yes, but who can deny +the heart that is yearning? + + +There's no yearning. +Stop yearning. Listen to me! + + +You have got to start thinking bee, +my friend. Thinking bee! + + +- Thinking bee. +- Thinking bee. + + +Thinking bee! Thinking bee! +Thinking bee! Thinking bee! + + +There he is. He's in the pool. + + +You know what your problem is, Barry? + + +I gotta start thinking bee? + + +How much longer will this go on? + + +It's been three days! +Why aren't you working? + + +I've got a lot of big life decisions +to think about. + + +What life? You have no life! +You have no job. You're barely a bee! + + +Would it kill you +to make a little honey? + + +Barry, come out. +Your father's talking to you. + + +Martin, would you talk to him? + + +Barry, I'm talking to you! + + +You coming? + + +Got everything? + + +All set! + + +Go ahead. I'll catch up. + + +Don't be too long. + + +Watch this! + + +Vanessa! + + +- We're still here. +- I told you not to yell at him. + + |
