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+---
+title: Died to Save Me
+date: 2018-08-27
+for: Sam
+---
+
+# Died to Save Me
+
+People often get confused  
+when I mention the fact that I  
+consider myself before I  
+came out a different person.
+
+It's because that was a different person,  
+they died to save me.
+
+The person I was did their  
+best given the circumstances  
+they were thrown into. It was  
+hard for them. I'm still working  
+off some of their baggage.
+
+But, that different person,  
+even after all of the hardships  
+and triumphs they had been through,  
+they died to save me.
+
+They were an extrovert pushed into  
+being an introvert by an uncaring  
+community.  
+They were the pariah.  
+They were the person who got bullied.  
+They survived years of torment but  
+they died to save me.
+
+I understand now why the Gods  
+prefer to use shaman-sickness to  
+help people realize their calling.  
+It is such an elegant teacher of  
+the Divine. So patient. So forgiving.
+
+It's impossible to ignore everything  
+around you feeling incomprehensibly crazy,  
+because it is.  
+Our system is crazy.  
+Our system is incomprehensible.  
+We only "like" it because we have no  
+way to fathom anything else.
+
+"Awakening" is probably one of the  
+least bad metaphors to describe the  
+feeling of just suddenly understanding  
+the barriers. Of seeing the formerly  
+invisible glass prison walls we apparently  
+live inside unknowingly.
+
+It's not just an awakening though,  
+Not all of me made it through the process.  
+Not all of what constitutes yourself  
+(in your opinion) is actually a True  
+part of you. Not all your thoughts,  
+memories, ideas, dreams, wishes  
+and even fears or anxieties are  
+truly yours.
+
+Sometimes there's that part that  
+really does have to die to save you.  
+The part that was once a shining beacon  
+of hope that has now fallen beyond disrepair.  
+A thread of connection to a past that  
+can never come to pass again.  
+Memories or experiences of pain,  
+trauma. It can die to save you too. 
+
+You don't have to carry  
+the mountains you come across,  
+you can just climb them.
+
+When it dies, it is gone, but:  
+you can sleep easier knowing  
+they died to save you.